2014 so far . . .
1 weekend lying on the bathroom floor with a violent stomach bug
1 weekend celebrating Cassie and Ryan’s wedding – kind of dreading it since weddings aren’t typically my favorite but ended up being one of my best nights in several months
1 round of antibiotics for a sinus infection that left me laying on the couch and missing a day of work
1 girls weekend that I was really looking forward to and ended up feeling sad and out of place at most of the time
So I’m kind of hoping that 2014 picks up a bit in terms of health and happiness.
I don’t know why it is that my expectations so rarely match what I end up feeling. I almost wish that I could remove expectations entirely from my life and just learn to enjoy whatever comes into it. Expectations seem to be what gets me into the most trouble emotionally and yet how is it possible to NOT hope or want or anticipate something?
Last year I planned a girls weekend with several friends in KC. At that time, about half the girls had kids and half didn’t. 2 of us weren’t married either. The weekend ended up being so much fun. It reminded me how much I am loved and that I do have really amazing girlfriends all around me in KC. This weekend everyone was married (except me), all are mothers or mothers-to-be except for 2 of us and I think my emotions were in a place that I had a hard time contributing to conversations and even enjoying being around these girls.
No one did anything wrong; there wasn’t anything anyone could have done differently. It was me and my crazy head that just kept envying everyone being able to share and compare their lives while I had absolutely nothing to contribute or if I did contribute something it wasn’t something anyone else could relate to.
I was so excited to share about this “date” I’d had and yet when they asked me about it I felt put on the spot and it was hard to say anything. And I realized that the last time any of them had been on a first date was at a very minimum 5-6 years ago. And some of them were just silent like they had absolutely nothing to say about it. That made me feel like I am so far removed from everyone else’s stage in life that I might as well be from a foreign country. It was hard. I wanted it to be like back in college when I would come home from a date and my roommate would be there and we’d stay up and talk about boys while watching MTV. But we’re not in college anymore and I’m still the only single gal. The only one with dating stories who needs help figuring out how to navigate those waters.
I want nothing more than to be able to talk about my husband and kids with these women but I can’t. And this weekend felt like a constant reminder of the things in life that I covet and long for but don’t (and might not ever) have. And I know that is my issue. I know that it’s my burden to bear and I have to figure out a way to make the best of it. And I really thought I’d gotten past all of that; I thought I’d made peace with my situation and where I am and had learned to look at the blessings that I do have and be grateful for those.
So whether it was the possibility of dating again and then second guessing that all weekend or just being surrounded 24/7 by examples of what I have tried so hard to give up longing for, I don’t know. But I do know that it was hard; much harder than I expected. And at times, I had to just walk away and bury my head in a pillow.
But in the words of my absolute favorite literary heroine . . . “After all . . . tomorrow is another day.”